$3.54 well spent! Homemade healthy salad dressing, um yes please!

Today I discovered THIS... Wait for it... 

What is this you ask? A homemade salad dressing bottle WITH recipes and measurements listed on the bottle! Where have you been my whole life? And how did I not know about this before? Best part you ask? It was $3.54 at Target! Hot damn! 

I made a French vinaigrette which by the way was DELICIOUS! I can't wait to try the other ones listed on there! 

Anyways so far so good this week, tracking, yes ma'am, working out, you betcha! After Monday's terrible munchies I quickly got myself in check starting Tuesday :) BOOM. 

Today = can't stop eating.

So I can't fall asleep, I just can't shut my mind off for some reason so I might as well blog right? While my face is covered in a mud mask...

Anywho... I was hungry non stop today. Literally. I felt like a 9 month pregnant lady that is feeding for triplets. I don't know wtf, it was bad. I am pretty sure I know why, but let me lay this out for you so you don't feel so sorry about what you ate today because I am sure the amount of eating I did today will make you feel better about yourself! Lol

Woke up at 5am to say goodbye to the hubs and couldn't fall back to sleep... Woke the kids up at 6 for school and proceeded to eat: 

1 - banana zucchini muffin w/ a little butter (mistake #1 sugary breakfast)

I brought the kids to school and came back home, I was so tired and ended up falling asleep (I mean seriously, who takes a nap at 7:30am?) when I woke up shortly after I was STARVING. I ate a banana. 

I then did my workout (yay!) and took a shower before eating lunch. When I was done I ate a pretty decent size salad w/ cucumbers, carrots, 2 tablespoons of mozzarella cheese, and homemade vinegar/oil dressing. (Mistake #2 no protein) I was still hungry so I ate a Greek yogurt too. 

I did a few things around the house and a couple hours later it was time to get the kids from school, I was hungry again (story of my life) so I made myself a protein smoothie w/ frozen fruit for the road. 

Upon coming home from picking the kids up, I did some laundry and was hungry again. So I ate some cucumbers w/ the same vinegar/oil dressing I used earlier, oh yeah and a handful of baby goldfish crackers. 

For dinner I made roasted carrots w/ green peppers & onions and Parmesan crusted chicken breast, which was delicious! I was more than satisfied after dinner and went about my night. 

At like 8:30 I felt hungry again so I ate a handful of blue tortilla chips and just when I thought I was done for the night I topped it off with 2 dark chocolate dove thingys. 

I get 30 WW points for the day and I ate 35. I mean wtf? That is a ridiculous amount of food! Could it have been way worse though? Um, YES. Although I was starving all day I made some pretty decent choices. Kudos to me! After analyzing what I ate today I know that breakfast and lunch are what screwed me up. I had very little protein and did a workout on a nearly empty stomach. 

What do you do? Tomorrows a new day, and I will start the day much better! Ps... It's going to be like -45 below zero here is Minnesota and school is cancelled for the kids. Brrrrrrrrr! 

Ok I have got to go wash this ish off my face and go to bed. Sweet dreams!! Xoxoxo

Looove me some fruit infused water

I have always loved lemon in my ice water, I mean LOVE it! And let's be honest when I go to fancy hotels or conferences they always have a fun water w/ fruit in it that is delish! But lately I have been seeing more and more pictures being posted on Facebook or Pinterest of these wonderful looking fruit infused water creations, they look amazing and so pretty! 

Well... My mom got me a fruit infused water bottle with the tube in the center so I started trying all sorts of different combinations and am slightly addicted! Thanks mom!! Not only is it helping me get my water intake in for the day, it is seriously so good, and they are filled with all sorts of health benefits that I wasn't even aware of! Who knew!?!?!? I have even been using some of my frozen fruit because I didn't have "fun" fresh kinds on hand at home and it even those work every slick! I did end up taking the little tube thing out of the bottle and just using the water bottle by itself so I could put more fruit in it and it works just fine without it. I say as long as the bottle has some sort of a lid that will prevent you from eating the fruit and just drink the water you will be good to go! 

This one is frozen strawberries w/ cucumbers- one of my favorites for sure 

This one is lemon w/ cucumbers and lime 

Other kinds I have tried so far: 

-Frozen mango w/ pineapple - YUM

-Strawberries w/ lime and/or lemon 

-Cucumbers 

I found tons of recipes for different kinds that I will be trying, here's a few I found on Pinterest

And some benefits that I wanted to point out as well... 

Here's to peeing all day long! Yahoo! Happy water drinking :) 

Tracking

When I first started my journey 4 1/2 years ago, I attended WW meetings every single week and tracked EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. I was so disciplined when it came to tracking, and boy did it work! It was such an eye opener, and really made me think before I ate something. It was a work in progress, and I learned throughout my journey ways to make it easier for myself but in the end I just simply wrote down everything. If I was traveling or away for the weekend, my tracker came with me and I did the best I could to write it all down even if I didn't know the exact points I just wrote it down and did a rough "guesstimate" :) As I started to get closer to my goal, my tracking became a little more relaxed and eventually non-existent after I met my goal. Whenever my weight started to creep up a bit I would just start tracking again and get myself back down to where I wanted to be. 

Throughout the last two years of my hiatus, I dreaded tracking again and avoided it at all costs. I told myself I knew what to do so I didn't need to track. I mean, am I really going to write down everything I am going to eat for the rest of my life? But for someone like me, who is addicted to food, I have to. I just do. It's necessary, and I need to do it for not only tracking what I am eating but to make myself more aware of the different choices I could be making that would be more food for less points...more bang for my buck so to speak. The goal for everyone that tracks is that it teaches you how to eat smarter and eventually it just becomes part of your lifestyle so you don't need to track formally anymore. But sometimes you just aren't ready yet... Like me. 

This past week I tracked everything, and it actually felt kind of refreshing to do it again. My food journal was my partner in crime for a long time, truth be told, I kind of missed it. Anyways, whether it's tracking WW points or just writing down what you are eating it works in different ways! I am currently using the ETools WW app I have on my phone, which is something I NEVER used before. I had a paper tracker and wrote it down by hand but this time around I am trying it electronically since I have my phone with me all the time. Why not? Change can be good! 

Here's a couple snapshots of what it looks like, this is from today's breakfast & lunch...

Total sidebar...

I put my scale in the closet (hidden) so it is not in the bathroom anymore! This was a HUGE step for me, but even though I told myself I didn't want to weigh myself every day and watch the scale ounce by ounce I did it twice without even thinking. So goodbye it went for a while! 

Anyways here's to another good day and hopefully weekend! 

It hurts so good...

Happy New Year!

2015... wow. Hard to believe, I remember growing up when older people used to say how fast time flew by and how annoyed I would get like "yeah, yeah" with a slight eye roll. But it is SO true! My baby is six, SIX, and a oh so sweet kindergartner and my oldest is almost TEN. Holy shit, I have a child that is going to be TEN. How did that happen?

This is going to be a great year!

I am 32 years old, and boy have I made some serious changes in my life over the last few months... I start college again in two weeks, YIKES, after ten years of the same profession I quit my job, am pursuing a completely different career choice and finally working towards finishing my Bachelor's degree! I often say to myself, what am I thinking? But I know in the end, all of the hard work and sacrifice will be totally worth it :) Why now? Why not! Better late than never! I deserve it, I always said once both kids were in school and a little older I would like to go back and finish. Now is the time, it just seemed like everything was falling into place at the right times.

Again, this is going to be a great year! I can feel it, I can...

Anyways, this week (and last week... lord help me) is winter break from school so both of the kids are at home with me and it is absolutely freakin freezing cold outside. Like 2 degrees. I live in Minnesota and it is now January (insert middle finger here). We all have a bit of cabin fever, it's been too cold to really "play" outside the last few days, and we have some serious crud going around in our house. So we've tried to do at least one activity of some sort each day to get us out of the house but not over-do it too much. I think the cabin fever is getting to us, my family thrives on routine, so we've all been on edge. However, I have managed to workout every single morning and track my food each day! Hooray! I usually do really good the first couple of weeks, it's about week 3-4 that gets me. If I can get past week 4-5, then I am on track. That is my starting goal - to make it a whole month of regular movement & tracking. Might not seem like much, but my god, for me it's something and kind of major! I have told myself that I am not going to do any weigh ins for a while, I tend to obsess over the scale and weigh myself every single day and when I don't see changes in the scale I get discouraged and give up. Why do we obsess so much over that damn number? F-U scale. I just want to move more, eat less and track it - see where it takes me. I want to go off how I feel for a bit.

So because I haven't worked out in like 4-5 months, I can hardly move. It takes me about 2 minutes to stand up and kind of adjust so I can move. Once I am up, I am ok, but getting up it brutal. I used to crave this feeling when I was at my peak of fitness because I never got sore anymore, but now - when I pee, it takes me about 3 times as long because I can't get off the toilet afterwards! I know you know what I am talking about! Hahahaha!

Cheers to feeling sore! Have a fantastic day! I will be cleaning my disgusting house today and taking down the Christmas decorations - there just becomes a day when you just need them down like right now. And today is that day! :)

Today's a new day, a cliche?

I spent the better part of last night doing something I have feared for a very long time, and have avoided like getting the stomach flu... I re-read my blog, looked at old pictures of myself throughout my journey, and read old Facebook posts of my gloating as I hit each milestone. I also cried, felt sad, couldn't believe that I could turn my back on that person to start all over again. But then, I read a blog post from May 2011 when I hit my lifetime goal weight, it was a letter from the "new" Shantal to the "old" Shantal. Ughhhhhhhh.... It made me sick reading it. But afterwards, I felt more determined than ever to get back to that confident carefree Shantal that wrote that letter. I remember writing that letter, and crying throughout it, tears of happiness and the feelings of being so proud of myself that I was able to find myself again. I used to say to people all the time, gosh what was I waiting for? This feels SO good, I can't believe I wasted so much of my life being unhappy and unhealthy!

And here I sit. Unhealthy, unhappy, and seriously overweight yet again.

Almost forgetting everything I have learned throughout that process. Starting over again. Feelings of fear again. Fear of failure, fears of not doing it, fears of judgment, just fears.

Behind those fears is determination! I KNOW I can get there again, I did it before, what's stopping me from doing it again? I know how hard it is, but I also know how GOOOOOOOOOD it feels! And man does it ever. Oh what I would do to put on a pair of cute jeans that don't give me a muffin top, or wear a shirt that doesn't show my back fat, or better yet, be able to see the actual structure of my face again underneath the layer of extra fat! I pull the skin back on my face sometimes to give myself hope that she's still in there underneath it all...

Today after my first workout in nearly 4 months. This is the face of determination! hahahaha (no filter... no makeup, and super sweaty!)

I questioned myself on if I should blog about it, after all, reading my previous blogs I would start and then go away when I failed. It was a clear indication that I wasn't ready to start over again. I follow a few blogs myself, and used these blogs throughout my journey as inspiration or motivation to keep myself going. There is one in particular that mirrors my same journey, she was so successful, so public about it, very honest about her strengths, weaknesses, and everything else that goes along with the journey. And then one day it just stopped. She just went away. I felt myself checking her blog daily, concerned that something had happened to her. I had gotten so attached to someone I had never met, because I could relate to her. She was human, like me. Then  one day, about 6-8 months later, she posted a blog. She was full of shame because she had gained nearly all of her weight back again. She had to start over and didn't want to let anyone down. In that moment, I needed her blog more than anything. I felt a connection with her, and felt the exact same way she was feeling. Something most people can't understand when you are so public about your life. I still checked her blog many times after that post, and she has not posted another one since. I am hopeful that she is just busy, that she is back on track again! But because of my own feelings of attachment towards that blog is the true reason why I decided to post again.

The last time I posted, I attended a WW meeting that same day, it was my first since quitting and I attended for about 6 weeks. To be totally honest, I just didn't get the same thing out of it after being a leader for so long. It's hard to explain, but I just didn't feel the same way in that meeting room. I don't know what the best way is for me to get back on track again, I am just going to try. Move more, eat less, track again, make some changes for the better and hopefully it works! lol... I find myself obsessing about the way I look, the way I feel. It's all I think about, literally. I avoid seeing people because of shame, I avoid going to social events because of embarrassment. I have fears of upcoming events, thinking about how I look/feel. I just can't do it anymore, I just can't. I mean seriously, what the f. Who lives like this?

Until next time... Here is the post I was referring to that really just hit home with me last night as I sat in my bed at 12:30am crying. It just is so, honest. The feelings are real. So real, so raw.

Posted May 2011:

With celebrating MY LIFETIME GOAL tonight with the WW family; it felt only natural to write a letter to the old me, from the new me. The feelings that came over me this evening were so unbelievable. I have came so far and to be able to stand up and celebrate it, truly amazing.

Dear Old Shantal,

When I look at who you were, it is hard for me to stomach that person, that sight. I feel sad for you, I see the pain in your eyes, and the shame in your face. I know that each and everyday, you are wishing you were someone else. Your "fat" clothes are too tight, and you were convinced it is just your winter weight and it will go down again. Guess what? It's not your clothes, it's you. You are obese. You are more than obese, you are dying and killing yourself each day that you make poor choices.

You hid food, ashamed to eat in front of people and binge eat when no one is around. The lack of movement in your life is absolutely terrible, you hardly played with your own kids! They were missing out on YOU!!!!!!! They want you, they need you, they want the mom they deserve to have. You need to be setting an example for them, showing them how to LIVE. Get off your ass! You were not too busy to eat healthy and prepare meals for your family, you were not too busy to workout, it's all BS. If you want it, do it. Stop being that person that complains about being unhappy with themselves, but does nothing to try and change it. I love you, you deserve the best in life. You are a great person, and people like you. You forgot who you were, you were lost. Your husband loves you how you were, but was scared that he would be raising your children without you if you didn't change.

As the "new" Shantal, I can tell you I am happy, beautiful, confident, healthy, and feel like I am a teenager again. I can walk into any store and buy clothes without having to worry about the size. I can workout and finish it without feeling like I might die or puke. I do not need to stand a certain way in pictures anymore to try and hide my body or my chin(s). I can be ME again, I have found myself. I have gained my life back. I play with my children, I bring them outside, go for walks or to the park or whatever it is that they want to do. I actually look forward to get up each day and get ready for work looking forward to the outfit I might wear. I enjoy being active, and cannot imagine my life without it. I LOVE hearing people tell me how I look like a different person, I am. I look at life completely different now.

I can tell you that I am still scared of you. I am scared that you could return one day, and as much as I love you. I hate you. I don't want to see your face again, that look of shame in your eyes it something that I saw each day for far too long. I want to see joy, pride, excitement, happiness, beauty, and love. I want to see... ME! You are in my past, and long gone. Though I will move on from you, I will never forget you. Without you, I would not be ME today. I needed you to show me what I don't want in life anymore. I needed you to show me what it is like to walk in someone else's shoes.

The day you decided you had enough and needed a change, June 21, 2010. You walked into Weight Watcher's and asked for help, at 5'4" you weighed in at 203.4lbs. You couldn't believe that you could have allowed yourself to get to that point, but for once instead of making excuses as to why you were that heavy, you took responsibility and owned it. You knew it wouldn't be an easy journey, but it was something that you were ready to take on. You were more determined than you'd ever felt in your life.

As the new you, 48 weeks later I have met your goal, and exceeded it. I am so proud to say that I currently weigh in at 151.2lbs! That is 52.2lbs lighter than the day I walked into that building!!!!! I am going to continue this journey and see where it takes me. I am not going to stop, this is my life now. I am still as determined as I was in the beginning, but have realized how hard I have worked to get to this point. I am so proud of you, I am so impressed that you DID it! When I hug you, I can actually wrap my arms around you :) I love you, you absolutely did it.

Love,

The New and Seriously Improved Shantal

It's been quite a year!

Over a year later... where do I start?

I am alive, and lots has changed for me this past year - here's the overview:

• I ran my first 10K last summer
• Participated in a half dozen 5K's
• Finished another inline marathon
• Was promoted to a manager, and went back to work full time for the 1st time in 8 years
• Quit working at WW due to my promotion & working full time
• Quit attending WW meetings, well because I did.
• Rebelled and ate everything I shouldn't have for 3 months, well because I did and I could because I had no one weighing me every week
• Am more than 15lbs above my weight goal - probably closer to 20
• Today, at 12:15 going back a meeting and nipping this in the butt before I have to start all over again!

Do I feel like a failure? Maybe a little, but I also feel like I did it on purpose. I didn't care, once I stopped working there I felt like I had a sense of freedom and I wasn't in the "spotlight" anymore. I took full advantage of eating everything I hadn't been "able" to eat in 2 1/2 years.

Was this a light bulb moment for me? OMG, yes! I have realized so many things over the last few months.

1. I do not have to work out like a maniac to be healthy, and to be honest I was burnt out from pushing myself so hard
2. It's not a race or a competition - it's a journey, it's a process. Before and after you get to your goal.
3. I gave up so many things before, and that was a huge mistake. Even if it takes longer to get to your goal, I need to incorporate the things I like because I will never give them up!
4. I set my goal to low for myself, I had to work out too hard and cut out too many things to keep it there. So I am going to increase it a little bit to make it more comfortable and maintainable for my lifetime (5lbs higher than before)
5. If I don't want to race, I don't have to. It's my choice, and I will not be pressured into doing things that I don't want to do because I am trying to please someone else. It's not that I didn't like to race, I did. However, I feel I was pushed to doing races I didn't want to and quite frankly, it wasn't enjoyable for me.
6. I don't want to be in the spotlight with WW, it was too much pressure. I want to just be a member, and go about my business without people looking up to me or watching me at the grocery store or out to eat with my family. Though I LOVED my job being a leader, there was so much pressure that I didn't realize would come with it for me personally within my own journey. I needed to distance myself for a while and regroup.

So there it is :) Am I going to write on here all the time? Nope. Just once and a while, so here I go again! Time to get those skinny jeans back on again :) They still fit but boy I have quite a muffin top hanging over the top! lol