And here I sit. Unhealthy, unhappy, and seriously overweight yet again.
Almost forgetting everything I have learned throughout that process. Starting over again. Feelings of fear again. Fear of failure, fears of not doing it, fears of judgment, just fears.
Behind those fears is determination! I KNOW I can get there again, I did it before, what's stopping me from doing it again? I know how hard it is, but I also know how GOOOOOOOOOD it feels! And man does it ever. Oh what I would do to put on a pair of cute jeans that don't give me a muffin top, or wear a shirt that doesn't show my back fat, or better yet, be able to see the actual structure of my face again underneath the layer of extra fat! I pull the skin back on my face sometimes to give myself hope that she's still in there underneath it all...
Today after my first workout in nearly 4 months. This is the face of determination! hahahaha (no filter... no makeup, and super sweaty!)
I questioned myself on if I should blog about it, after all, reading my previous blogs I would start and then go away when I failed. It was a clear indication that I wasn't ready to start over again. I follow a few blogs myself, and used these blogs throughout my journey as inspiration or motivation to keep myself going. There is one in particular that mirrors my same journey, she was so successful, so public about it, very honest about her strengths, weaknesses, and everything else that goes along with the journey. And then one day it just stopped. She just went away. I felt myself checking her blog daily, concerned that something had happened to her. I had gotten so attached to someone I had never met, because I could relate to her. She was human, like me. Then one day, about 6-8 months later, she posted a blog. She was full of shame because she had gained nearly all of her weight back again. She had to start over and didn't want to let anyone down. In that moment, I needed her blog more than anything. I felt a connection with her, and felt the exact same way she was feeling. Something most people can't understand when you are so public about your life. I still checked her blog many times after that post, and she has not posted another one since. I am hopeful that she is just busy, that she is back on track again! But because of my own feelings of attachment towards that blog is the true reason why I decided to post again.
The last time I posted, I attended a WW meeting that same day, it was my first since quitting and I attended for about 6 weeks. To be totally honest, I just didn't get the same thing out of it after being a leader for so long. It's hard to explain, but I just didn't feel the same way in that meeting room. I don't know what the best way is for me to get back on track again, I am just going to try. Move more, eat less, track again, make some changes for the better and hopefully it works! lol... I find myself obsessing about the way I look, the way I feel. It's all I think about, literally. I avoid seeing people because of shame, I avoid going to social events because of embarrassment. I have fears of upcoming events, thinking about how I look/feel. I just can't do it anymore, I just can't. I mean seriously, what the f. Who lives like this?
Until next time... Here is the post I was referring to that really just hit home with me last night as I sat in my bed at 12:30am crying. It just is so, honest. The feelings are real. So real, so raw.
Posted May 2011:
With celebrating MY LIFETIME GOAL tonight with the WW family; it felt only natural to write a letter to the old me, from the new me. The feelings that came over me this evening were so unbelievable. I have came so far and to be able to stand up and celebrate it, truly amazing.
Dear Old Shantal,
When I look at who you were, it is hard for me to stomach that person, that sight. I feel sad for you, I see the pain in your eyes, and the shame in your face. I know that each and everyday, you are wishing you were someone else. Your "fat" clothes are too tight, and you were convinced it is just your winter weight and it will go down again. Guess what? It's not your clothes, it's you. You are obese. You are more than obese, you are dying and killing yourself each day that you make poor choices.
You hid food, ashamed to eat in front of people and binge eat when no one is around. The lack of movement in your life is absolutely terrible, you hardly played with your own kids! They were missing out on YOU!!!!!!! They want you, they need you, they want the mom they deserve to have. You need to be setting an example for them, showing them how to LIVE. Get off your ass! You were not too busy to eat healthy and prepare meals for your family, you were not too busy to workout, it's all BS. If you want it, do it. Stop being that person that complains about being unhappy with themselves, but does nothing to try and change it. I love you, you deserve the best in life. You are a great person, and people like you. You forgot who you were, you were lost. Your husband loves you how you were, but was scared that he would be raising your children without you if you didn't change.
As the "new" Shantal, I can tell you I am happy, beautiful, confident, healthy, and feel like I am a teenager again. I can walk into any store and buy clothes without having to worry about the size. I can workout and finish it without feeling like I might die or puke. I do not need to stand a certain way in pictures anymore to try and hide my body or my chin(s). I can be ME again, I have found myself. I have gained my life back. I play with my children, I bring them outside, go for walks or to the park or whatever it is that they want to do. I actually look forward to get up each day and get ready for work looking forward to the outfit I might wear. I enjoy being active, and cannot imagine my life without it. I LOVE hearing people tell me how I look like a different person, I am. I look at life completely different now.
I can tell you that I am still scared of you. I am scared that you could return one day, and as much as I love you. I hate you. I don't want to see your face again, that look of shame in your eyes it something that I saw each day for far too long. I want to see joy, pride, excitement, happiness, beauty, and love. I want to see... ME! You are in my past, and long gone. Though I will move on from you, I will never forget you. Without you, I would not be ME today. I needed you to show me what I don't want in life anymore. I needed you to show me what it is like to walk in someone else's shoes.
The day you decided you had enough and needed a change, June 21, 2010. You walked into Weight Watcher's and asked for help, at 5'4" you weighed in at 203.4lbs. You couldn't believe that you could have allowed yourself to get to that point, but for once instead of making excuses as to why you were that heavy, you took responsibility and owned it. You knew it wouldn't be an easy journey, but it was something that you were ready to take on. You were more determined than you'd ever felt in your life.
As the new you, 48 weeks later I have met your goal, and exceeded it. I am so proud to say that I currently weigh in at 151.2lbs! That is 52.2lbs lighter than the day I walked into that building!!!!! I am going to continue this journey and see where it takes me. I am not going to stop, this is my life now. I am still as determined as I was in the beginning, but have realized how hard I have worked to get to this point. I am so proud of you, I am so impressed that you DID it! When I hug you, I can actually wrap my arms around you :) I love you, you absolutely did it.
Love,
The New and Seriously Improved Shantal
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